Delightful evening in front of the webcam

I had a great evening last week...chatting to friends and meeting a new friend (Hiya Ivy!!!)

I got dressed in my hotel room, had my "room service" dinner and then set up my new webcam and looged on to yahoo to see which of my friends were around. It was great...mainly great because I could sit and look at myself in my webcam window...lol...how's that for vanity!

It did make a big difference to me though in talking to my friends and knowing that they could see me.

Wonderful!!

PS. Yes, I've "perked" up since my last blog post...nothing like looking at my pics to perk me up.

They pic above is of me on the evening...in my "elle" wig...lol.
The photos say that it doesn't really suit me, but what the hell, I enjoy that look.

Reflecting on 51 years

Today's my birthday...51 years of age.

I don't actually feel any older; in my head my age is stuck somewhere around 30 to 35...maybe even younger...probably even younger. My birthday doesn't mean much to me. It's just one of those things that comes around and ones family makes a bit of a fuss of you and I get a few CD's I've wanted to buy and an interesting book or two.

What I do tend to do though is get a bit melancholy as I reflect on what I've achieved, and more depressingly, on what I haven't achieved. Shattered dreams and all that.

And so it is again today...I had my life planned and mapped out and knew exactly where I'd be and what goals I would have achieved by the age of 50. By the age of 40 I was totally on track to achieve that. And then the last 6 years shit hit me and my dreams and goals all lie shattered. My business partner's view is that we both still have 15 years ahead of us to achieve those dreams, and he is right. But somehow that's no consolation to me on days such as today.

When you're 30, your whole life still lies ahead of you and those goals seem so tangible. By the time your 50 (or 51), the situations not the same any more. Goals not achieved start looking like they're not achievable and off course, you have the unfortunate situation where you know that they haven't been achieved.

So today is melancholy, sad and just a touch depressing.

Tomorrow is another day and as always I'll perk up and just keep fighting away to at least get closer to my unachieved dreams.

Bad hair day !!!!

I've just looked at some photographs (self portraits, darlings) I took about 10 days ago. It was a lovely evening...in a nice apartment room in Canberra, first time dressed en femme since mid-February, nice bottle of red wine...perfect. Only thing that would have been better was to have had some friends there as well.

Anyway, looked at the photos and ...Oh My God!! Horrors !!

My grandfather used to say that photographs don't lie...I certainly hope they do.

My hair was a shocker...squashed flat after months in a suitcase;
My makeup looked like something out of...well out of "Bad Tranny Looks" (if there was such a magazine);
And my damn waistline looked (looks?) absolutely horrific...fat and shapeless.

So back to the drawing board for me.

I'm almost tempted to post one of the pics here just to show that I'm not lying...but I do have just a touch of vanity, so I'm not going to do it. Might post it in the future when I'm seriously drunk one evening.

God, this is hard work...all this beauty stuff.

Work, work, work...and beauty therapy for the (femme) soul

Work, work, work...that's all my life seems to consist of at the moment. It's actually getting quite boring; both the continual work and the fact that "work" takes up all of my thought processes...and the fact that I keep talking about it is also boring.

At least I have been keeping up my beauty regime and added a new therapy, namely regular eye brow shaping. In my head and being I am off course always transgendered, but I've had very little opportunity to physically express my feminine side through dressing (twice since mid-December)and going out (once since mid-December). I therefore really value and appreciate my regular beauty "treatments, which consists of leg, stomach and chest wax every 4 weeks and since recently, a monthly eye brow shaping at Sharon-Lee Studios.

Now if only I can get my life sorted out so that I can actually go out and show off the results of this regular beauty regiment.

Ah well, I'm sure it will happen soon...And in the meantime I'll just keep making sure that my bod and face is ready for when opportunity knocks.

Good times and disappointments

This past Thursday evening was my first opportunity to get dressed since mid-February. That means that I've only been able to dress twice since before Xmas.

I was back in Canberra on Thursday and Friday and I planned a relaxed evening in the hotel room, doing my makeup and trying on all the items of clothing that I bought on eBay over the past few weeks. My life's been very intense from a work perspective and because of that I decided that I wouldn't go out...just stay in the hotel suite and watch TV with a glass (actually a few glasses) of wine. Maybe pose a little in the various new outfits.

And it was a lovely relaxing evening. Nearly went out...that always happens to me; once I'm dressed I just have to go out for a drink.

The only disappointment of the evening was all the bad purchases that I've made off eBay. The wonderful velvet jacket (see previous blog entry for photo) is too small, the Chinese satin jacket did arrive and is beautiful...but waaaaaaaay to small (ladies XXL in China clearly means something totally different), leather skirt (allegedly from Spain) is gorgeous but doesn't come even close to getting around my waist....what else? There were a few other items that also turned out to be duds. At least the two wrap dresses do fit me, but I will have to do something about the weight I've managed to accumulate around my waist.

Looks like Transfabulous/Cyanne/Katya will be receiving a donation of clothes from me.

The contentment of getting dressed and seeing myself back in en femme mode was wonderful.

Stress turns into shopping mania

Whenever I'm highly stressed at work and under pressure, my mind takes me to one of three different places...actually my mind takes me to all three places but I get to chose which one I make use of to relieve the stress. Two of the "places" are a) get dressed and go out for a drink or dinner (or both) en femme and b) go shoppin!!! The third "place" my mind takes me is not a "healthy" place so I won't discuss that and fortunately I generally avoid going there.

So the past 4 weeks have been particularly pressurised and stressfull at work. Going out en femme was not an option, so instead I hopped onto eBay and other online shopping resources every few hours when my mind was in need of a break and my psyche in need of a recharged battery.

And did I shop!!
Most of what I bought was totally the wrong thing and its highly unlikely that I'd ever wear it in public...either not appropriate for my age or not something that I would ever wear in a normal environment. For instance, I got stuck on a fetish clothing site and ended up buying a short dress (very short!!) with a net frill at the bottom...unless I attend a fetish party (which is unlikely for the pure reason that I never go out en femme on weekends when any such fetish party may be held) I'd never get the occasion to wear it...and the fact that it's so short that my bottom is only covered by the netting, also make it unlikely that I'd be wearing it even if I did go to a fetish party...lol...silly t-girl.

I did buy a brown velvet jacket which I think is going to be gorgeous. Brown's not really my colour, but it was such a gorgeous jacket that I just had to have it. It's in the mail on it's way to me from the USA. That's a photo of it above.

And then I bought a Chinese red satin jacket...again have no idea when and where I'm going to wear that to. Then again there is a good chance that it's never going to arrive...I bought it for 6c...yes 6 cents...the postage is $22 and the compulsory insurance cost $1. If the item doesn't arrive, the seller will refund the cost of the purchase. Mmmm...so if it doesn't arrive I get 6c back?! And if it wasn't mailed in the first place, then the seller has made $23! Let's see whether this item of clothing is ever going to arrive. And if it does, where the hell am I going to wear it to?

My first and final items of purchase were two wrap dresses. I nearly had three!! I bid on one dress, then saw that the same dress was available for "buy now" at less than my bid on the first dress...so I took the instant "buy now" option and then hoped like hell that I'd get outbid on the first one...which eventually happened after 4 days. Phew!!

All I have to do before I can wear the (very tight) wrap dresses in public is either lose some weight around my waistline or get one of those waisty-cinchy-thingies that Cyanne has been trying to get me into. I tried on the wrap dresses this morning ("Home Alone"-closet-tranny-time) and it looks really cool with a pair of western boots that I've owned for 20 years. The boots are guy boots, but I think they work with the wrap dresses.

Also bought some jewellery from Gallery Serpentine. It's different...sort of gothic victorian...I really like it. Earrings and necklace and I'm now planning to get a bracelet in a similar style from the jeweller.

I need to get out there again...soon...otherwise I'll end up with an even bigger wardrobe.

Eye brow shaping at Sharon-Lee Studios

I had another new and interesting experience today. I went and had my eye brows shaped at Sharon-Lee Studios in Double Bay.
Beautifully designed and decorated studio.
And the beautician who did my eye brows was amazingly skilled. I'm sure they all are.

Today's visit was a cautious one. I just wanted to check out the lie of the land so to speak. Didn't do my usual "I'm a lady!" bit. So my brows were neatly and expertly tidied up, but from the perspective of them being a guy's brows. Next time I'll start getting a bit more adventurous and ask her to subtly create a more feminine shape...and arch if that's at all possible.

Anyway, made my week. I felt so good when I came out of there.

The woes of mature age bodies

Six months of over-work and business travel (which for me means lots of vodka martini's, other cocktails and bad eating) followed by stopping smoking (which means that I now drink alcholhol when I would previously have had a cigarette) has taken it's toll on my figure. I've gained about 8kg's over the past 6 months or so, and it has off course all settled around my waist.

I'm reasonable fit and my legs and butt still look good....but oh dear...this stomach!!! Horrors is all I can say.
And the waist cincher suggested by Cyanne is not going to help at all...it's going to have to be damn strong to have any success in the waist reduction department.

This past weekend I finally decided to take myself in hand and deal with the fat stomach. So after my long Sunday run, I set about doing abs exercises.

How did it go you ask? Well my dear, I managed to tear an abdominal muscle instead of exercising it. That's put a stop to my abs exercises for at least the next 3 to 4 weeks.

Yes, the woes of a mature age body.

(no photo being published of the fat stomach)

Normal chick doing normal things...Mmm, really?

Following on from the previous post, I also reflected on how "normal" my en femme activities are. In many respects that is true. I've progressed from the "lingerie-sexual-(slightly)deviant stage to a stage where I really love dressing as most normal woman would and where I dress in clothes that reflect my personality and ties in with my dress style as a guy...so yes, I love jeans and t-shirts.

As part of my reflection I looked at some past photos (one posted in this blog)and thought..."now isn't that just absolutely normal?". You be the judge of that.

And then I realised...would my wife spend an hour or so in the hotel room taking photographs of herself before going out to dinner? I don't think so!! So I guess I'm still not a normal woman...and probably never will be. But I am me!!

Happy and content stage of my development

Over the past few days I've (for some or other reason) on several occasions reflected on my transgenderism (which is what's in my brain and heart) and my crossdressing (which is...well, which is dressing as a woman...lol). And I have to say that reflecting on where I've come from and where I've got really created a warm, happy and at peace feeling in me.

Yes, I'd love to be able to dress more often and go out for dinner and a drink with friends while dressed en femme. In fact I'd like to wonder around Paddington with my friends, window shopping and stopping for a coffee and generally just having a normal life...but dressed en femme. And yes, still not having told my wife about me and my transgenderism and crossdressing is causing me angst, discomfort and a level of unhappiness. But overall, I can't imagine being able to be this content and happy had I not developed my crossdressing and understanding of my transgenderism to this point.

Where is it heading? All I know is that I have to tell my wife...after that I think I'd be able to raise to a whole new level of peace, happiness and wholeness...the deceit will be gone and that will mean that our relationship is once more complete, totally open and honest and "whole".

I think the time for telling her is near...over the past three years or relationship was impacted by external environmental stresses We knew that and we knew that we'd get back to our "soulmate" relationship. That's pretty much happened and I therefore no longer have an excuse for not telling her.

Now off course, this may take several months!! My brain and heart knows that the time is nigh...my gut is not yet totally convinced and seeing as I'm an intuitive "gut-feel" kinda person, my gut makes the final decisions.

April Fools Weekend

And I was a bit of a fool, although not an April Fool. I was a fool because I spent far too much time online. The weather was great, I could have gone for a surf, or sat at an outside cafe reading or chatting and drinking coffee...but no, I became obsessed with some totally unnecessary and worthless online activities.

Note to self - cut out the crap and spend your time on worthwhile activities.

Other than that, it was a good weeked. I was at peace for a change (other than for the aforementioned obsessive addicted behaviour) and everyone else in the family was also at peace and relaxed.

Oh yes, a friend came round for a casual dinner last night (Sunday evening) and she had a beautiful scarf round her neck. It mesmerised me the whole evening and for the first time I realised the extent to which a beautiful scarf can turn a very simple understated outfit into something very stunning and interesting. So guess what I'm going shopping for next!

Time for a change of direction for my blog? I think so.

I think it's time to change the nature and use of this blog. It was originally created to track and comment on my public outings and unusual experiences like going to exotic dance classes. That was great and I needed a space and place to record those.

That need however doesn't exist within me anymore. Yes I still love going out, probably now more than ever. There is however no longer any burning need inside me to talk about each time that I've been out. This is partly so because it has become more "normal" to me; and then I have to admit that my public excursions will probably be less often now that I'm travelling less on business.

What I do have a personal need for is a diary where I can ramble about my personal and inner thoughts as I go through the ongoing journey of discovery.
YES! for you 30-something youngsters who sometimes read my blog...at the age of 50 I've discovered that my journey has only just began and that most of my early (of age 20's and 30's) expectations and visions of where I'd be now and what I'd be doing have proved to be totally and completely wrong. Oh yeah and guess what...I may be 50 but I still feel, think and act pretty much exactly as I did in my 20's...although I do now have the benefit of some life experience.

Anyway, as usual I digress...back to my new blog...


Will this include thoughts and comments relating to my transgenderism? Absolutely!! Not a day goes by that I don't think about my transgenderism and my crossdressing (two separate things in my opinion). In fact I probably don't go for more than 2 hours without thinking about?

I am inclined to express my deepest and personal thoughts. I wasn't always like this; I use to keep everything to myself, but as I've uncovered my previously hidden transgendered side, so I've become a more open person. In the past I did have periods where I was a very open person and then periods where I withdrew into myself. My most successful times have been when I was open.

You will therefore mostly likely find this new direction to be very boring and irrelevant. That's okay, you may gracefully and quietly "disappear" from viewing and commenting on my blogs...I won't be offended, that I can assure you. In fact I probably shouldn't even be expressing my thoughts, feelings and ramblings in such a public way. However, I'll ignore my own good advice and put my thoughst and ramblings out there because something inside me needs to do that.

Work..or go out?

What does a t-girl do when she has an immutable deadline, heaps of work to get done in order to meet the deadline and she's working in her hotel room...oh yes, and she hasn't been out for more than 2 months (not since mid-December!!!)?

Well, what she does is she gets dressed up, does her makeup during her breaks from work and keeps working like the sensible person that she is...and takes bad self-portraits as you can see from the pic.

and then she has a glass of red wine...and then another glass of red wine...

and then Szusza calls at 10.30pm to say that she's about to go Cube Nightclub to watch two friends in the karaoke final...

and then what does Dee do?

Well my dears, off course I decide "stuff the work", touch-up my lipstick, grab my hand bag and head out of the hotel room and out the front door to meet Szusza and head off for Cube!!

Sensible? Not at all!
Wonderful, delightful, fulfilling, soul-centering? Aboslutely!!
Dee's back in town!

Out of the wardrobe, into the closet

As some of you may know, I rented a room in Canberra late last year and thereby managed to get all of my femme stuff out of it's various hiding places and into a proper wardrobe. What a wonderful experience for this here (semi) closeted t-girl. For the first time I had everything easily accessible, not to mention the fact that my clothes, wigs and stuff was no longer squashed and scrunched up in suitcases. I discovered things that I'd forgotten about.
Just the best best experience...my own room with all my Dee-stuff neatly packed away and easily accesible. That wonderful feeling of opening the wardrobe, examining your outfits and deciding what to wear for the evening. That's a feeling you simply cannot recreate out of a suitcase.

But, alas, my Canberra-time has come to an end and so I've given up the room. It was always only going to be a short while, but various circumstances have caused my Canberra sojourn to come to an end sooner than originally planned.
I'll miss my wardrobe and I'll miss my regular and easy evening outings around Canberra. At the same time it's great to be back with my family on a permanent basis as opposed to only seeing them on weekends. The fact is that my family is more important to me than anything else...so yes, now I don't get to out en femme as easily and as regularly...but I'm happy with that.

My goodies are now all back in suitcases...my stash has grown to two suitcases and a biggish bag. And those are back in my home office...danger territory for sure. I'll have to find a more permanent place to store my things. Somewhere where I can unpack it properly.

So it's back into the closet with me and my things...till I can sort out my femme life.

Beautiful music from a transgendered person..Antony + the Johnsons

Girls (and boys), do yourself a favour and go and listen to "I am a bird now" by Anthony + the Johnsons. Beautiful beautiful music with the lyrics having a transgendered theme...which is understandable given the fact that Anthony (UK born, lives in NYC) is openly transgendered.

Anthony's music will naturally not appeal to everyone...but if you're transgendered, I think you may just find a special connection with the music and words.

My wife bought this album for me for Xmas. She knows my very specific and selective (although broad) music taste and knew I'd love this album and in addition she was fascinated by a newspaper interview with Anthony in which the reporter attempted to explore Anthony's transgendered side.
So this is or was off course the perfect opportunity for me to tell my wife that I'm also transgendered...but yet again my courage failed me.
Anyway, I do find it interesting that my wife was fascinated by the article and that she somehow sub-conciously associated Anthony with me.

But back to the main purpose of this blog...beautiful music, relevant lyrics, sung by a transgendered person with a wonderful voice. Guests providing additional vocals on the album are Boy George ("surprise surprise"...hehehe), Rufus Wainwright (another "surprise surprise"!) and Lou Reed.
Just wish there were more guitars and guitar riffs...ah well, things can't always be perfect.

The joys of feminine youth

This morning on the ferry, on my way into the office, I sat and watched a young woman put her makeup on in the 15 minute journey into the city. It was both beautiful to watch and also "envy-creating" and yes, a bit of a reality wake-up for this mature-age tranny.

Firstly, to think that it's possible to get your makeup done within the space of a 15 minute ferry ride, is simply incredible. I've got it down to 1 hour...and I'm proud of that accomplishment. And off course my laboured one-hour does not producing an end product that comes even remotely close to the final look produced by this young woman.

The "Secondly" is off course the reason why she can get her makeup done within 15 minutes...beautiful youthful skin and a feminine face and features. I sat and watched in fascination as she used tiny amounts of foundation, bronzer, eye shadow, etc to create her finished look. I'd use that amount of foundation just to get my nose to look decent. It's all in the difference of the canvas isn't it...her canvas is perfect and flawless and feminine to start with, whereas my canvas needs a lot of preparation before the painting can even begin.

She filled me with envy...but also with joy at watching this beautiful ritual. Watching someone apply their makeup is quite an intimate experience. Is it only because I'm a crossdresser that I'm that fascinated by the process? Or do all men and women find it to be a beautiful process to watch?

Anyway, it was a great way to start the day.

Transvestite, is the word that you heard

Several girls, whose blogs I regularly read, have started a campaign around the search results within Google when the word "transvestite" is entered. This seems like a worthwhile campaign to me, so I'm repeating Becky's blog below.

I'm backing the campaign to get Transformation off the top spot for Google searches with the Anti-Transformation Google Bomb! The idea is to "Google Bomb" the Wikipedia entry for transvestite with links labeled simply with the word "transvestite". Google should hopefully see all the links for that word pointing to Wikipedia and count it as a more authoritative source of information. We're not sure how many links it will take, although a conservative estimate is 30.

If you have a blog or a web site, and you support the campaign, please copy and paste the code in the "transvestite" link below into your blog. You'll be doing trannies of the UK and around the world a favour!

"transvestite"

If you'd like to use this entire message in your own blog to help promote the Google-Bomb, you can download it here.

Links to this campaign and other blogs
Rambling thoughts and bad poetry: Transvestite, is the word that you heard

"How Boyish or how Girlish" am I?

Well girls. I've done yet another online gender test. And like the COGIATI test, I come out 50/50. I'm totally cool with that and it correlates with my own understanding of myself and where I sit on the gender spectrum.

This is what the recent test has to say about me...and I can assure you, I'm NO EUNUCH. It all functions very nicely thank you!

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Isn't this just the most beautiful girl!!

Lana...hope I don't embarras you...but this is just one of the most beautiful photographs I've ever seen. God girl, you are beautiful!!!

Lana's blog is at TransLation.

Here's to a healthier 2006 !!

It's not exactly 2006 yet, but I've started planning and practicing my new year's resolutions early. Yes, normally I totally ignore the whole concept of new year's resolutions...but this year I do have to make some changes.

So I've stopped smoking...this time it is for ever...this body of mine has been put through some serious abuse over the past 30 years or so...time to let it heal. And my smoking has been getting worse and worse...so it's time to give that up.

Need to lose about 5 kg...again...had lost it, but excessive work over the past 6 months has let to the discipline slipping badly...so I've eaten badly heaps of times and drunk far too much alcohol and not exercised...time to change that and lose the 5kg and get my sexy feminine waistline back...okay, so sometimes I live in a fantasy world!!!

Spend more time with my friends...the ones who know the total me.

And to do all of the above I have to get a better balanced work life...I have to keep the meaningless job in perspective...only work as hard as is necessary and which bears a value resemblance to the fees I receive...the workaholic's efforts aren't full appreciated in any case, so why kill myself.

Find a meaningful project for 2006!!

There you have it...my plans for a healthier 2006.