Work..or go out?

What does a t-girl do when she has an immutable deadline, heaps of work to get done in order to meet the deadline and she's working in her hotel room...oh yes, and she hasn't been out for more than 2 months (not since mid-December!!!)?

Well, what she does is she gets dressed up, does her makeup during her breaks from work and keeps working like the sensible person that she is...and takes bad self-portraits as you can see from the pic.

and then she has a glass of red wine...and then another glass of red wine...

and then Szusza calls at 10.30pm to say that she's about to go Cube Nightclub to watch two friends in the karaoke final...

and then what does Dee do?

Well my dears, off course I decide "stuff the work", touch-up my lipstick, grab my hand bag and head out of the hotel room and out the front door to meet Szusza and head off for Cube!!

Sensible? Not at all!
Wonderful, delightful, fulfilling, soul-centering? Aboslutely!!
Dee's back in town!

Out of the wardrobe, into the closet

As some of you may know, I rented a room in Canberra late last year and thereby managed to get all of my femme stuff out of it's various hiding places and into a proper wardrobe. What a wonderful experience for this here (semi) closeted t-girl. For the first time I had everything easily accessible, not to mention the fact that my clothes, wigs and stuff was no longer squashed and scrunched up in suitcases. I discovered things that I'd forgotten about.
Just the best best experience...my own room with all my Dee-stuff neatly packed away and easily accesible. That wonderful feeling of opening the wardrobe, examining your outfits and deciding what to wear for the evening. That's a feeling you simply cannot recreate out of a suitcase.

But, alas, my Canberra-time has come to an end and so I've given up the room. It was always only going to be a short while, but various circumstances have caused my Canberra sojourn to come to an end sooner than originally planned.
I'll miss my wardrobe and I'll miss my regular and easy evening outings around Canberra. At the same time it's great to be back with my family on a permanent basis as opposed to only seeing them on weekends. The fact is that my family is more important to me than anything else...so yes, now I don't get to out en femme as easily and as regularly...but I'm happy with that.

My goodies are now all back in suitcases...my stash has grown to two suitcases and a biggish bag. And those are back in my home office...danger territory for sure. I'll have to find a more permanent place to store my things. Somewhere where I can unpack it properly.

So it's back into the closet with me and my things...till I can sort out my femme life.

Beautiful music from a transgendered person..Antony + the Johnsons

Girls (and boys), do yourself a favour and go and listen to "I am a bird now" by Anthony + the Johnsons. Beautiful beautiful music with the lyrics having a transgendered theme...which is understandable given the fact that Anthony (UK born, lives in NYC) is openly transgendered.

Anthony's music will naturally not appeal to everyone...but if you're transgendered, I think you may just find a special connection with the music and words.

My wife bought this album for me for Xmas. She knows my very specific and selective (although broad) music taste and knew I'd love this album and in addition she was fascinated by a newspaper interview with Anthony in which the reporter attempted to explore Anthony's transgendered side.
So this is or was off course the perfect opportunity for me to tell my wife that I'm also transgendered...but yet again my courage failed me.
Anyway, I do find it interesting that my wife was fascinated by the article and that she somehow sub-conciously associated Anthony with me.

But back to the main purpose of this blog...beautiful music, relevant lyrics, sung by a transgendered person with a wonderful voice. Guests providing additional vocals on the album are Boy George ("surprise surprise"...hehehe), Rufus Wainwright (another "surprise surprise"!) and Lou Reed.
Just wish there were more guitars and guitar riffs...ah well, things can't always be perfect.

The joys of feminine youth

This morning on the ferry, on my way into the office, I sat and watched a young woman put her makeup on in the 15 minute journey into the city. It was both beautiful to watch and also "envy-creating" and yes, a bit of a reality wake-up for this mature-age tranny.

Firstly, to think that it's possible to get your makeup done within the space of a 15 minute ferry ride, is simply incredible. I've got it down to 1 hour...and I'm proud of that accomplishment. And off course my laboured one-hour does not producing an end product that comes even remotely close to the final look produced by this young woman.

The "Secondly" is off course the reason why she can get her makeup done within 15 minutes...beautiful youthful skin and a feminine face and features. I sat and watched in fascination as she used tiny amounts of foundation, bronzer, eye shadow, etc to create her finished look. I'd use that amount of foundation just to get my nose to look decent. It's all in the difference of the canvas isn't it...her canvas is perfect and flawless and feminine to start with, whereas my canvas needs a lot of preparation before the painting can even begin.

She filled me with envy...but also with joy at watching this beautiful ritual. Watching someone apply their makeup is quite an intimate experience. Is it only because I'm a crossdresser that I'm that fascinated by the process? Or do all men and women find it to be a beautiful process to watch?

Anyway, it was a great way to start the day.

Transvestite, is the word that you heard

Several girls, whose blogs I regularly read, have started a campaign around the search results within Google when the word "transvestite" is entered. This seems like a worthwhile campaign to me, so I'm repeating Becky's blog below.

I'm backing the campaign to get Transformation off the top spot for Google searches with the Anti-Transformation Google Bomb! The idea is to "Google Bomb" the Wikipedia entry for transvestite with links labeled simply with the word "transvestite". Google should hopefully see all the links for that word pointing to Wikipedia and count it as a more authoritative source of information. We're not sure how many links it will take, although a conservative estimate is 30.

If you have a blog or a web site, and you support the campaign, please copy and paste the code in the "transvestite" link below into your blog. You'll be doing trannies of the UK and around the world a favour!

"transvestite"

If you'd like to use this entire message in your own blog to help promote the Google-Bomb, you can download it here.

Links to this campaign and other blogs
Rambling thoughts and bad poetry: Transvestite, is the word that you heard

"How Boyish or how Girlish" am I?

Well girls. I've done yet another online gender test. And like the COGIATI test, I come out 50/50. I'm totally cool with that and it correlates with my own understanding of myself and where I sit on the gender spectrum.

This is what the recent test has to say about me...and I can assure you, I'm NO EUNUCH. It all functions very nicely thank you!

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Isn't this just the most beautiful girl!!

Lana...hope I don't embarras you...but this is just one of the most beautiful photographs I've ever seen. God girl, you are beautiful!!!

Lana's blog is at TransLation.

Here's to a healthier 2006 !!

It's not exactly 2006 yet, but I've started planning and practicing my new year's resolutions early. Yes, normally I totally ignore the whole concept of new year's resolutions...but this year I do have to make some changes.

So I've stopped smoking...this time it is for ever...this body of mine has been put through some serious abuse over the past 30 years or so...time to let it heal. And my smoking has been getting worse and worse...so it's time to give that up.

Need to lose about 5 kg...again...had lost it, but excessive work over the past 6 months has let to the discipline slipping badly...so I've eaten badly heaps of times and drunk far too much alcohol and not exercised...time to change that and lose the 5kg and get my sexy feminine waistline back...okay, so sometimes I live in a fantasy world!!!

Spend more time with my friends...the ones who know the total me.

And to do all of the above I have to get a better balanced work life...I have to keep the meaningless job in perspective...only work as hard as is necessary and which bears a value resemblance to the fees I receive...the workaholic's efforts aren't full appreciated in any case, so why kill myself.

Find a meaningful project for 2006!!

There you have it...my plans for a healthier 2006.

My new toy...an epilator

Well girls, I've got a new toy. A Braun Silk Epil. And what a wonderful new toy it is. It's already given me several hours of fun times.

For those that don't know, an epilator looks and sounds like an electric razor...except it's pink! And instead of shaving the hairs, it plucks it out with tiny little tweezers.

Why did I buy it? Well apart from the fact that I love smooth hairless skin! The reason is so that I can beat those clever pesky hairs that appear immediately after I've had my body waxed.
I have my legs, stomach and chest waxed every month. But there are always several individual hairs or small groups of hairs that hide just under the surface during the waxing, and then within a day they suddenly pop up and start growing furiously. It's almost as if they conspire against me being smooth and hairless like a woman. Well now I have the answer. I zap them with my Silk Epil!! Perfect!!

And let me also tell you that it's a very enjoyable and useful passtime when you're lying bored in your hotel room watching "The Fifth Element" for the 10th time. On Friday night I was out of town on business, too tired to get my makeup on and go out. So I lay on my bed, watching a movie and casually working away on my bikini-line with the Epil. You'd be surprised how smooth and hairless you can end up after 2 hours of that activity. And in some unmetionable but essential places where this girl likes being hairless. Just wonderful!

I won't give up my regular waxing sessions...just enjoy the pampering and chatting too much...but the Epil is a very handy additional beauty tool. There are very few beauticians who are comfortable doing a mature tranny's bikini line...and I don't blame them. Now I can deal with that myself.

Go get yourself one. It's worth every cent. And by the way, I bought the older model which was on sale at half price as a new model has just been released. The old model does all it's supposed to, so there's no need to spend the extra money on the new model.

Happy Epil-ling!!!

All very exciting!!

I can't believe that it's more than a month since I've last posted on my blog. Well, life remains hectic and crazy work-wise...the "life returns to normal" blog turned out to be a pipe dream.

But some exciting things have happened to me over the past month.
I met another one of my online friends...both of us in drab...having a drink in Canberra and a most enjoyable chat. I really enjoy meeting my online friends in person.
And I've been out dressed in femme in Canberra fairly regularly...although not as regularly as I'd like to. My friend Sharon and I have had a few nights out in Canberra. Sharon is a real woman who relates to crossdressers and the two of us have great chats about all sorts of stuff.
I also joined a small group of the Canberra t-girls at dinner one evening. Although I got lost and only arrived when everyone else had eaten already. But it was still good to meet Simone, Tiffany Jane and the others.

And now for the really exciting thing I've done!!...well I think it's exciting.
As those of you who know me know, I get some crazy creative ideas into my head at times...like doing exotic dance classes. Well my latest crazy creative idea was to get into a house-share with female housemates...somewhere where I can unpack all my Dee-stuff and live en femme to my hearts content.

And that's what I've done. This coming week I move into a room in Canberra, sharing the house with two lovely women. It's going to be great. For the first time ever I'll be able to unpack all my stuff...which has grown to three suitcases full of clothes, shoes, makeup and various other femme things. For so long I've had to dig around in hidden suitcases, furtively selecting what I think I might need for a two day business trip, worrying about what critical item I might have forgotten. Now I can unpack everything in my room and admiringly and leisurely decide what I'll wear for the evening.

I'm also really looking forward to just hanging out with and chatting to two women who are totally cool about having a crossdresser share their house with them. I think they're quite looking forward to this novel experience as well. This is going to be fun.

This is off course only a temporary arrangement while I continue to spend two to three days a week in Canberra on business. By the end of February my Canberra business will be done and then my Dee-stuff will have to go back into hiding.

All very exciting!!

It drives me crazy when...

my wife comes home with the most stunning pair of high heels. Crazy with desire, frustration, jealousy, envy and all those things.

My wife has the most stunning high heel shoes. Like most women she has a thing for beautiful shoes. And many of her shoes are ones that I've bought her on business trips to Europe and the USA.

Off course she has dainty female feet in a size that's way to small for my not-so-dainty feet. How I wish I could fit my feet into her shoes.

Anyway I'm going to have to go searching for a similar pair of high heels as those that she bought this weekend. Perfectly beautiful, sophisticated and yet sexy with a pair of jeans.

Life slowly returns to normal

Yes, I am still here and haven't done a disappearing act. I've just been working incredibly hard and long hours on a project that was finally completed two days ago. For 6 weeks I worked 7 days a week, 16-18 hour days and few 21-22 hour days.

But I've survived that 6 week intensity and now my life is slowly returning to normal.

What's the definition of normal in my world?
All of the following!

- Going out dressed en femme. Last Tuesday was the first time in 6 weeks that I went out dressed en femme. And what a lovely evening it was with a new girl friend, going out for dinner and then having some drinks where I bumped into other friends. All round a wonderful relaxing and "psyche-centering" evening

- Today was the first time in six weeks that I went for a run. I love my running and not only does it keep me fit, but it's great for stress relief and then that's also the time when I think and reflect on life, my plans, etc.

- This coming week I'm taking a brief holiday and going surfing with my son at one of my favourite isolated surf spots. Camping, bonding, surfing, relaxing and recharging of batteries. What could be better.

- Stopped smoking...again!....stopping and starting is "normal" for me.

- First time in weeks that I found the time to cook a meal. I love cooking for my family and yesterday was the first time in 6 weeks that I had the time and frame-of-mind to cook one of my big special meals. Loved it.

- Spent some time with my family...my wife and kids...after weeks of neglecting them physically and emotionally. Oh yes and I'm back to normal mood-wise. No more stressed-out-adrenalin-wired-moody-unpleasant husband and dad. Actually, the think that suffers the most during these intense work periods are ones personal relationships. I know it's bad and wrong, but unfortunately the nature of my work seems to create these excessive and intense periods of work.

- And then I'm back to not always being sensible. That's me and is one of the things that defines me. Wednesday night, with masses of work to complete before the project deadline two days later, I decided to take a break at about 8pm and go for a quick drink before getting back to several more hours of work. But then off course I ended up chatting to Hamish who was behind the bar and Jess who is normally behind the bar, but was just hanging out on the patron side of the bar. So after several hours of interesting and enjoyable chatting and several drinks later, I was in no shape to go back to work. But I was happy. It becomes boring to always be sensible and besides, having an interesting evening chatting to friends (old and new)is far more important than just working 24/7.


So yes friends, I'm back to normal. Hope to catch up with as many of you as possible in the next few weeks.

Fantastic week of Adventures

I recently read a magazine article that said that we nowadays use the words fantastic, awesome, wonderful, incredible, etc so freely that it's lost its true meaning in our everyday vocabulary.

Well, I've just had the most fantastic, awesome, wonderful and incredible en femme adventures in Canberra...and I mean that in its truest and fullest sense.

I had a week of going out every evening and met the nicest people and had a wonderful time en femme.

- Great cocktail bars...Trinity Bar, Hippo Lounge, Tilleys and Knightsbridge Penthouse
- fantastic live jazz at Hippo Lounge
- a wonderful evening of conversation, cocktails, dinner and more cocktails in the company of my friend Szusza
- really interesting and stimulating conversation with two wonderful people...the bar staff...at Knightsbridge Penthouse who had to throw me out at 3am in the morning
- oh yeah, and I locked my hotel room keys in my room and had to get a spare key from reception...while dressed as Dee!

A really fantastic week. I just wish that every week could be such a complete en femme week. Off course it was also a sad week as a very good friend of mine passed away at the end of the week under very sad and tragic circumstances.

Where to from here in terms of my femme-transgendered-crossdressing side? I know where I'd like it to go...if I had a magic wand, which I don't have. So instead I will be sensible and pragmatic and continue to enjoy these moments when my whole-self comes together as Dee. Sometimes, as has been the case over recent months, I'll get plenty of opportunity to express my femininity in a physical manner and other times I know I'll get very infrequent opportunity. There is no doubt that I'm the happiest and with a centered psyche when I can dress en femme and interact with people as Dee. Not that I want to transition...I know I'm not transexual and I know that I am and need to be both male and female.

At the end of the day we need to live our lives in a way that's practical, pragmatic and takes into account the needs and wishes of the loved ones around us. So many people live selfish, self-centered lives. That's not the way to live our lives...the people around and with us are so important and we must never forget that. For me, this means that I can only occasionally dress en femme as my wife and kids need a husband and father. I'm happy with that. That's what I want above all else. I do off course realise that this "pragmatic-approach" is only possible because I actually have a need to be both male and female...my opinion and decisions would have been totally different if it had been essential for me to live my live 24/7 as a woman.

For those interested in the complete blow-by-blow story of the week's adventures...in typical Dee-style, which means long rambling inner thoughts expressed writings...have a look at my website (www.deefemina.com)under "Adventures". The relevant story/adventure is titled "4 Straight Knights in a Row".

A Wake-Up Call

On Friday morning I was woken up with one of those phone calls that you just dread receiving. It was a call from a friend letting me know that a close mutual friend of ours had committed suicide the night before. I was devastated. He was the last person I would have expected to resort to such a drastic and final step. Always a happy, smiling, positive, healthy and...on the face of it...strong person. How sad that he felt that life had no future for him. How sad that he decided to leave behind a wonderful wife and two small children. And how desparately sad that I didn't know what he was going through and that I wasn't there for him.

Maybe I couldn't have helped him at all...but just maybe I could have. I've been there. I've been where he was, but for many reasons I was able to fight and withstand the demons and found the strength to continue and to recreate myself and my career and enjoy this wonderful life.

So many of us have failed him and his family. How many other people are out there right now that need our emotional and spiritual support? And how many of them are being failed by us, their friends and colleagues. This has been a real wake-up call to me...very very sadly too late to be of any assistance or help to Dan. I'm sorry Dan, I really am. I'm sitting here crying. I'm crying for you, your family and for me. I'm crying because for weeks now I've been meaning to send you an email to find out how you are and I never got to do that. And now I never will be able to.

I'm not a suicidal person. I'm a fighter, a survivor and I live this life to it's fullest extent. But I have had these thoughts during my darkest moments over the past two years.

I want to thank all the people who have helped me, without them even realising how much or that I was in need. I won't name anyone, but the people who I'm referring to are my "Dee" friends. The many wonderful people who know me and my TG/crossdressing side and who have all accepted me for who I am as a person. You know who you are...if you know me, Dee, in real-life or even if we've only met and chatted online or if you've met me in a bar/cocktail lounge and accepted and chatted to me, then I'm talking about you and thanking you. I know all of you by name and face...so I'm not talking about faceless strangers.
You have all been the most wonderful and coolest people I've ever met and known. You are the ones who didn't judge me by how much money I earn, nor by the status of my job (which was non-existent for most of the past 2 years) or my car or by where I lived. You simply accepted me for who I am as a person. You have no idea how much you helped by enabling me to feel and realise that I had an identity and that I was a worthy person even though my job title no longer started with "Executive Group CXX".

Thank you. You are all the most wonderful people and my life is richer for knowing you and counting you as friends.

And finally, let's all remember that there are many people out there who need our help and support. Let's not fail them.

Burning Needs

I've had an intense and stressful two weeks with 16 hour work days. And all I can think about now and what I desparately need is to get dressed up, go out in public and relax with a drink in a nice cocktail lounge with an interesting crowd.

Don't you find that? That burning need to dress and go out en femme...occupying all your thoughts.

Unfortunately I've got so much work to get through over the next 10 days that there will be no time whatsoever to get dressed and go out.

About ten days ago I spent three days struggling with a complex conceptual problem (something similar to a complex mathematical problem) and I was getting absolutely nowhere...tackled it from every angle, but just couldn't find the answer. Then I went out en femme in Canberra with a friend and had a wonderful wonderful evening. The next morning I walked into the office and within 30 minutes I'd solved the problem.

How's that for achieving total focus and clear thinking as a result of the peace and contentment that descends on me after a evening out as Dee. I guess it's the only time that my mind feels totally holistic and where all my energy and psychy comes together in peace, clarity, happiness and focus.

Joannas Diary: a TGirl Blog

Joannas Diary: a TGirl Blog

I am just so so flattered that someone like Joanna of UK Angels fame has discovered my blog and was so kind as to post a comment.

Thanks Joanna!! You've made my day.

And thanks also to you Becky. I love getting comments from you!! Always sooooo articulate and humorous.

Other Girls, do yourself a favour and read Becky's T*Blog...always always interesting.

So again, Becky and Joanna...you've made my Sunday morning. Wow...easy to make my day isn't it?! As my uncle used to say about my cousin...she'll do anything for a choccie. Well, I guess I'll do anything once I've received a compliment...or a comment to my blog!!

Girls can and do wear Jeans

I'm told that crossdressers don't wear pants or jeans...only transexuals like wearing pants.

Well I got news for you girls...I like wearing jeans and I'm not transexual.

I think women look fantastic in pants and particularly in jeans. Smart business suits with pants, tight tailored pants, jeans of all descriptions...well of most descriptions. It's just really beautiful to see a slim woman in tight jeans...the way a woman's body and sexy bottom displays in form fitting pants or jeans is just an absolute beauty to behold.

So I've decided that I CAN wear jeans...and I just love it. I think the last 5 times I've been out I've worn jeans. I originally bought one pair, wore it and loved it. But off course then I decided that they weren't quite tight enough...didn't show of my smallish bottom to its best advantage. Well Bobbi has told me that I have a great "arse", so I've now bought myself a pair of very very tight Levis. Possibly too tight, but what the hell, I feel good in them.

Off course I do still love skirts and dresses...after all smooth legs in stockings and high heels look and feel wonderful in skirts.

So girls, t-girl crossdressers can wear jeans and they do look good.

Fun night out at Cube Nightclub in Canberra

Well, I've been out and about again. Yep, I'm finally getting to go out en femme almost weekly and off course I just love that.

Last Thursday evening...yet again in Canberra on business...I got to my hotel room and thought, "Right, tonight it's off to Cube Nightclub". I'd heard that it was a very lively club, that it was Canberra's gay nightclub and that it was tranny-friendly.

So after getting dressed, I snuck down the emergency stairwell. Yes, I'm still a bit nervous about walking out through the hotel lobby...especially one where they know me very very well as I'm a weekly visitor. Anyhow, the emergency stairwell was supposed to bring me quickly and unobserved to the safety of the dark car park...and off course I walked straight into a guy about to leave the hotel by the same side entrance as I was. He blinked, "double-taked" and then held the door open for me!!!

Cube was great. Lively and excellent for people-watching. But off course at 10pm at night (which is early for Cube), instead of finding a gay nightclub, I walked straight into a heterosexual early-twenties crowd. They were very cool about me though. No-one stared or sniggered...they just accepted me as just a "regular" patron. I guess people (gay and heterosexual)who frequent Cube are used to and accepting of t-girls and crossdressers.

Off course, a guy tried to pick me up. It was nice having someone to talk to, but I had to eventually point out that I was happily married to a beautiful woman. Although I didn't go to Cube to be picked up and although there was no way I was going "home" with anyone...not guy or woman, it was sorta nice to have someone find me attractive as a "woman"...even if he was mainly interested in my type of woman. Pity his conversation wasn't more interesting...he kept telling me how intelligent he was, but I dunno about that...I must be thick to not have noticed how intelligent he was.

And then I bumped into Szusza, who I had met in Sydney on my first ever outing when Cyanne and Kat took me with them to the Gender Centre's "Frolic" evening. It was great to see Szusza and we'll definitely catch up on one of my other Canberra-nights. In fact, Szusza told me that I need to stretch my comfort zone a bit and she plans to take me to dinner somewhere safe, but less "comfortable/easy" than Cube. I'm ready!!...well provided I can sneak out of the hotel unseen.

And then I still want to meet up with Simone as well. So soon I'll have plenty of friends in Canberra.

There's another and probably longer version of my night-out (and photos of my outfit) on my website. Have a look at the "Blog Journal" page at www.deefemina.com

One very happy and contented Tranny

Finally I'm feeling more peaceful, happy and contented. Those of you who know me fairly well or communicate with me often will know that I've often been depressed or at least "down" over the past 12 months.

I'm happy to report that that aspect is behind me, for the moment at least. I'm working on a meaningful, challenging and stimulating project again. Although it's only medium term (probably 3 to 6 months), I do feel that I'm being recognised and valued again. And off course I'm earning a decent income again.

And then, I've discovered, explored and expanded so much about myself in the past 12 months. It would be fair to say that I'm not really the same person anymore...well at a deep fundamental level I am, but I've added additional dimensions...and I love that.

Not only am I now starting to venture out en femme, on my own, but I've generally grown and developed as a person since I've started to give expression to my feminine transgendered side. And off course the crossdressing opportunities are part of that expression.

The new friends I've made over the past 12 months are very special to me, and each one has contributed to my personal growth. Thanks girls, girls and guys...you've all really helped and supported me in different ways.

So yes, for now, this is one very happy tranny...both as a tranny and as a person generally.

Monroes in Melbourne